The Best Ever Book of West Ham United Jokes

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The east Londoners' attempts to woo players embarrassingly out of their league are often like watching a tanked-up moron try to cop off with a Miss World, and almost inevitably end up with them going home accompanied by a curb-crawler they've paid way over the odds for instead. It begins with Emiliano Martinez. By which we mean: Martinez has the ball at his feet for an extraordinarily high percentage of a football match by a goalkeeper’s usual standards. The Argentinean might stand there for five, 10, even 15 seconds, a kind of long-form game of piggy in the middle in which he dares an opponent to come near him for the pleasure of having the ball passed by them. It also made West Ham supporters growl and howl with frustration.

Ad Feature Chelsea a long 8/1 to sign Victor Osimhen despite London club reportedly making the disgruntled Napoli... Rio Ferdinand leaves TNT Sports studio during Newcastle's Champions League clash with PSG due to 'unforeseen... CRAIG HOPE: Kylian Mbappe endured a frustrating evening against Kieran Trippier and Co... but held his nerve under immense pressure to rescue draw for PSG and break Newcastle's hearts Mo Salah is escorted off by military officers and protected by his Egypt team-mates - as pitch invaders target Liverpool star during 2-0 win over Sierra LeoneCeltic fans are goaded with racist and sectarian banners by Lazio's ultras during Champions League clash in... Manchester United fans left fuming at question asked by TNT Sports reporter to Erik ten Hag ahead of vital... SPIT ON ME, SHIT ON ME, PISS ON ME, CALL ME A WHORE, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME BILIC MY CROATIAN PRINCE Gary Neville claims Everton's 'trust and faith' in a 'lawless' Premier League has 'gone COMPLETELY' as he speaks about 10-point deduction

I suppose the benefit of West Ham fans being in a different time zone to the pitch is that some of them don't know they're 2-0 down yet FA to probe 'unsavoury incidents this evening' at West Ham. No mention if playing Chesney Hawkes is one of them. Ill, thin and broken, ex-England footballer Kieron Dyer, 44, was dying with a rare liver disease just 11 weeks ago. Now, he speaks for the first time West Ham will suffer if they go into the Europa League. Swansea City last season and Everton this season are prime examples of why that competition is nothing but a distraction. Even top-six sides struggle with the fixture timetable. Premier League status is imperative and must be placed as a priority above all. West Ham’s squad is nowhere close to being able to cope with Europe, they couldn’t even handle an FA Cup run and league form has gone since once the injuries hit. The Europa League is an impossible task given that Champions League failures gain access at the mid-point, and little priority is given to teams having to play two days before a Premier League weekend. While the West Ham hierarchy might see Europe as a feather in the cap, they need to take the blinkers off. Key players in the squad are struggling to walk and running into Europe is the last thing we need. Hammertime, Australia. Tommy Fury parties with Chris Brown in Dubai nightclub with fans slamming the boxer for 'dancing to Sweet Caroline in his head' as star goes viralThe Hammers have claimed just one point from their last seven games and another defeat at home to an equally poor Everton side would force the east London club’s hand, according to the Daily Telegraph. The Pope falls desperately ill and is hospitalised. The doctors can’t diagnose the problem, so they call in a world-famous specialist. After a careful examination, the specialist informs the Pope that the physical and mental pressures caused by his lifelong celibacy have finally taken their toll. Unless the Pope has sexual intercourse with a woman in the next few days, he will die.

Barcelona 2-1 Porto: Joao Felix nets second-half winner as Catalan giants come from behind to book their... Pretend you are West Ham by moving to a ridiculously massive house and ruining your family's life. @TwopTwips My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sexual acts on them.' Lionesses Leah Williamson, Mary Earps and Chloe Kelly join Gary Lineker and an array of sporting luminaries at GQ Men of the Year Awards Wouldn't be surprised if every football club in the UK has a minutes silence for West Ham next week the way it's going. Give it a rest.

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Nuno Espirito Santo, Rafael Benitez and Sean Dyche are all viewed as potential fire-fighters for West Ham,’ says the Telegraph, but West Ham do not really need a fire-fighter as they have conceded only 25 goals in 19 games, giving them the best defensive record in the bottom half of the Premier League. SOUL OF SPORT: ANDY HOOPER was at Stamford Bridge to capture Emma Hayes' Chelsea side running riot against Liverpool England's footballers do their own Great British Bake Off but can you figure out which Three Lions legends their gingerbread men are meant to look like? It was Villa, snugly relaxing in mid-table, who created the better chances. Even here, when it mattered so much, the atmosphere was flat like a version of football crowd white noise turned down so as not to disturb.